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Wow it's been a while...

I have to figure out how to tie my blog to livejournal, since that's what I update on a pretty regular basis.

Quick synopsis: Divorce was final in on Easter Monday April 25, 2011.
I was married on Easter Monday, 2013, April 1.

In between time obviously I met my now husband, rehabbed a neurotic but loving and very needy cat.

We got an Akita puppy together - his name is Kodi and he will be 2 on Jan. 7.

I started knitting in July of 2011. It helped me cope with a fresh divorce and fresh break up. Two years later I'm still going strong. :)

I need to let my pups out and then off to bed.

moving on

I just realized... new life, new me = new journal.

demonpeach.wordpress.com

for anyone who wants to.

Livejournal saw me through my first breakup with my ex, through my marriage. It's about time I moved on from here, the past and into a bright and exciting future.

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Life

Steadily moves on.

The guy I was seeing broke up with me last night. I can't fault him for it, nor am I capable of being upset. I can't expect him to force himself to feel something for me that he doesn't, and I respect that he broke things off early, rather than letting them drag out.

And to be honest, I can not say that I was completely surprised. I have journaled about how I wanted to see him more, I knew he was distancing himself from me.
To be even more honest, I really do want to settle down, get married and start a family.

The few months I did have with him helped me immensely. He showed me love, and that there are good men in the world. He gave me a safe place to talk about how I was feeling. I believe he pushed me to be the best person I could be when we were together.
Most importantly, I think he helped me know that I can and that I'm ready for something serious, even if sadly it is not with him.

Eventually, when the hurt and sadness subside I'll talk to him again.

on the topic of being neurotic

I understand I'm being neurotic.

I have no reason/cause to be having the thoughts I am having. The only reason is that I'm allowing myself to have insecure/negative thoughts stemming yes partially from past relationship experiences.

I'm having some anxiety. And I've been avoiding writing about it or thinking about it, which is kind of unusual for the new'ish me.

I love my boyfriend. Yet, for some reason I've become fearful about us. I'm trying to pinpoint the why:
could it be because this is only my second serious relationship (ever)?
Or perhaps because it's the first serious relationship post divorce?
He's the first man who has supported me, and treated me with kindness and love? (Let's face it, I'm not used to being treated with respect....)

Bottom line is, I *know* I have nothing to fear.

I feel like I need to purge these thoughts rather than continue to let them stew in a back corner of my mind.

Random thoughts

Life goes on. Sonya is no longer with us. Now there is just Yuna and Tifa of my 4 girls.

I'm still learning that *I* choose how I feel. That no one makes me feel anything that isn't already there. I just choose to give the feeling life, or not.

Two months later and I'm still seeing a truly wonderful man. I can not honestly remember feeling so comfortable with another person. It's an indescribable feeling when you feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable - and to let him see a side of you that no one else has.

Recovering from depression is always ongoing. I monitor myself carefully so as not to fall back into negative patterns. I do this for myself, but it's always nice to have someone to support you and to work towards.

I found out a couple of days ago that someone I dated briefly earlier this year had just passed away. I feel sad... because I knew his situation was difficult. I don't know the details I and don't want to speculate, but I fear he chose to do something that can never be undone.

Dorian, I hope you're at peace.

Divorced~

Yup it happened this morning :D

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Musings

In 3 days I will be divorced. (YAY!)

We now live in a day and age of the social network, and that makes breaking up/getting a divorce a little more tricky. Now that you've split from each other's lives, you still have the social connection of your ex's posts popping on your newsfeed. Now there is one of 2 ways to deal with the (for some of us) unwelcome reminder that your ex has moved on.
There is also the issue of .... animosity on social networking sites (this one included). If the split was *not* mutual, and it was acrimonious and not civil, there is going to be a lot of so called flaming or just angry/bitchy posts directed at the now ex.
And finally, there are your mutual friends - the ones you had as a couple. Generally (from my understanding - and granted this is the first time this has happened to me, personally) friends will do one of a few things: a) remain friends with both of you, b) remain friends with you or c) remain friends with your ex.

I chose to deal with the first issue by just removing my ex from my newsfeed. I did not want to un/de-friend him. However it was/is painful to see him with the woman I feel he cheated on me with. (I maintain that if you start an emotional connection even without being physical it's still an affair. This is a highly personal definition, and I understand everyone defines an affair differently). Our split is indeed civil, friendly even. There were no posts attacking one another's character or life choices. I will not lie to you, it's been more difficult at times than others but you gotta take the high road sometimes.

I have not asked our friends to choose. Ultimately it would be very nice if we as individuals with new partners could be friends with everyone who we were friends with as a couple. I understand that they would be closer to my ex, as I'm not the most social/open individual and I generally only say something when I feel I have something to say.

My ex said something about my suddenly posting all this "mushy" stuff about my new guy when I never posted anything like that about him. I thought about that and I realized why I got so irked. He's been posting pictures of him and his new girlfriend (who is 20 by the way) for months. Wait a second - so all of a sudden I post a few sentimental things and it's confusing/out of character? But he's posting pictures of himself and his girlfriend and that is more okay then me just posting words? I don't really get it, but that's okay - I might not be meant to understand. It also means I need to stop posting stuff on facebook.

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New Year, new start...

It's interesting how I ended my last journal entry. I'm still writing, just not necessarily in an online format. However a few things have happened that I think ought to be put down for posterity online and not.

I've learned a lot - vacation with your parents isn't always a good thing. Dating can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. And when you least expect it, something good will walk into your life.

I had my last therapy session today. She doesn't believe I need it anymore, unless I just want to check in/maintenance. We both believe I'm in a really good place now. I've worked very hard to get balance back into my life.

New chapter is starting. Divorce hearing is April 25, I will be celebrating the weekend before and the day of.

Out with the old, in with the new!

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flu

Well, now I can't say I haven't had the flu in years any longer. I guess it's what I get for saying that, and then having to do around 9 flu tests Tuesday in the ER. My streak was bound to end.
I did freak out a little as my fever quickly went from 101 and peaked at 103 before rapidly ending up around 100 yesterday. I'm happy that the worst was over as quickly as it came, but now I'm left feeling incredibly weak, and still with aches in my joints. I'm not used to being completely knocked out by anything. Colds/sinus infections I can just work through, but this flu business is no joke. I could barely get my shoes and coat on to walk Tifa the last couple of days. (Soon to be ex hubby was nice enough to pick her up early yesterday so I could lie in bed miserably in peace. He was going to keep her while I was on vacation next week anyway so it was good of him to do me a favor).

In two weeks from today, I'll be 30. I don't really feel like I'll be 30 - it's just a number to me, kind of like Dec. 25 is another day to me (since I have to generally work anyway). We'll see what this next year holds as Chinese New Year is Feb. 3. I look forward to what the new year has in store (no more flu!)

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What does happiness mean to me?

I asked myself for years "How can I be happy?" I honestly did not understand what to do to gain that contented peaceful feeling that eluded me for years and years...

Until 4 months ago during my hospitalization. I made a conscious decision to be "happy".

Seriously that was it: I decided I was sick and tired of being depressed and miserable and to stop hating myself.

I understand that it seems ... counter-intuitive. I was so focused on avoiding any thought that made me the least bit uncomfortable and completely missed out on why I was feeling the way I did. I got an excellent book in the hospital that showed me that I was the only one who made me feel anything. I made the decision to be upset/sad/angry/happy based on how I perceived what was said to me/or how someone behaved towards me. Instead of avoiding what is bothering me, I write it or talk it out with a good friend to help me understand it's not the end of the world when something happens that I'm not happy with.

What's really great for me is, now I'm actually happy. I have that contentment that I always wanted. I'm really okay with how I am as a person and who I am as a person.

I have my cats, and my nice comfy bed with comfy sheets and a pretty good job.
I like where I am now and I made an early new years resolution: I'm not going to fall back into what I was like before.

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