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New Beginnings?

Hmm I was very sad 3 months ago.

And here I am, sitting in my very own bed, in my own apartment with a Hemi sleeping at my feet.
My life is what I've made of it. I'm learning to balance my own checkbook, paying my bills and putting my own food on my table, and feeding my boys of course!

I'm not scared anymore, and I can very happily say I'm no longer depressed. I have had times in the last few months that before would have most certainly sent me into a spiral, but... the new skills I've learned have kept those negative feelings in check.

I am going to be finished with therapy in January. I have one more appointment in December, and one in January as I wean myself off my antidepressant. I'm trying myself off my high blood pressure medication as well to see how it is off (and to see if I can just stop taking it. Thank goodness for having my own blood pressure cuff and the knowledge to use it! ^_^) My therapist believes that I have met my goals for therapy and that it is no longer needed. She also said that she believes I will make an excellent therapist myself one day. That makes me happy... because come spring I will be going back to school to get my bachelors degree in Psychology.

I have had one dating fiasco already. Suffice it to say, if I were the person I was 4 months ago, the relationship would have been satisfactory. Now that I'm not the same person (nor will I ever go back to the way I was) it was not emotionally fulfilling for me. I have had the great experience of actually dumping a boy. It was highly amusing for me, as well as an excellent learning experience.

So I've begun navigating the muddy waters that is dating. I'm learning to live with a man that isn't my husband. I probably force him to listen to me more than he'd like (lets face it - I am domineering at times). I hope I'm giving him adequate space... I'm a social creature, always have been so I probably force my company on him quite a bit.

I've gained closure from my marriage. My love for my husband is complete.

I'm learning to take things as they come, that it's okay to be sad, and I'm leaning on my support system a lot.

I didn't actually think I'd be happy! It's an amazing feeling this elusive happiness. I am content in what I've made of my life right at this moment in time. I'm secure in the knowledge that my solitude is temporary, and I don't ever feel lonely. (Occasionally bored, but never lonely.) My cats help with the solitude ;) all 3 of them. :D

In any case if I scared anyone with the last entry, I hope this will alleviate any concerns left. I'm doing just fine... who woulda thunk it? And aside from the momentary spazziness of paying my bills on time,
Life is great!

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Quiet

The first thing I noticed now that Mara isn't here is how quiet the house is. I guess in hindsight it was quieter the last couple of weeks as she deteriorated, and there was less scrambling to chase Hemi.

The house feels emptier as well. (I know what you might be thinking - with 3 dogs and 2 cats how empty can the house be?) But it really does - she's not there just around a corner looking for belly love. It was amazing how much she actually understood when I would ask her to move so I could get to the pantry, and as soon as I was done she'd go right back to laying in front of it.

She was the first puppy I got after Hershey (my chocolate lab - creative no? :) ) had to be put to sleep. And yes I have other babies, but your first girl is always special.

As a result I've kind of gone on a cleaning rampage due to either depression/boredom/generalized anxiety or a combination of the 3.

I hope everyone has a great 4th of July - we were trying to make plans but I just don't feel up to going anywhere, even to see my family.

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Mara Feb. 2, 2001 - June 29, 2010

How do you know when it's time to let a loved one go? Whether its a beloved friend or family how do you know?

I know that the the second date hasn't yet come but...we're putting Mara to sleep this Tuesday. She was diagnosed with a very malignant form of bone cancer at the beginning of last April and we decided to forgo chemotherapy and amputation in lieu of making her comfortable at home. She was still very happy and we gave her spam and butter & bread and she was still moving around and playing with her sisters like nothing was wrong. It's now a year and some months later and the tumor has spread down her leg so that she can no longer bear weight on it, she growls at the other dogs and cats if they come near her, and she no longer greets anyone at the door except for me. She still let's me cuddle her, gives me kisses and is fanatically obsessed with belly loving from mommy. She can't get up the stairs or go out through the doggy door without it being a long process. She's whimpering quietly when she sees me...and not in that talky happy way she's been known for.

I know I'm making the best decision I can for her because it hurts to see her suffer like this and not have the quality of of life she used to. But it's still so hard.

If you read this and have fuzzy love, give them an extra hug from me and my first baby girl Mara. She's the best akita I've ever had the pleasure to be owned by.

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It's been a long time

I haven't really been writing all that much but, I had just a sad day at work yesterday.

It's days like this which makes me realize how people "burn out" on healthcare.
Long story short there's a patient who has a physical obstruction in his upper airway. There's nothing I can do on his ventilator to get the air into his lungs because well, there's an obstruction. It makes me a little anxious and a little sad because even though cognitively I know there's nothing I can do, it bothers me that I can't 'fix' him. The part I really enjoy about my job is making people feel better. Even if it's just getting them to smile, it really makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.
But when you work 16hours and you know there's nothing you can actually do to make a difference, yeah it makes me kind of sad - sad enough where I cried on the way home from work. In the nearly 3 years I've been working, I have never once cried coming home from work.

I mean it wasn't all bad... my attending was nice to me, and he's known for being... difficult I guess you could say with the team. My NP thanked me for working to get alternatives for my aforementioned difficult patient, and the fellow thanked me for working so hard. So it was nice getting acknowledgement from my doctors that I work my ass off.

Even with taking a lot of pride in my work, just being sad and kind of ground down still lingers through today.
Tomorrow, I go back and work another 16... and hopefully I'll be in a different ICU because I'm not sure I can take being where I was yesterday.

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weekends

It was a great weekend. I got a fabulous surprise on Friday, Saturday recovered from a mild hangover to discover Lee had gotten the night off, so she and Dar came over and we managed to catch fireworks! :) Sunday we had to drop our old sofa off for Justin and then came home and I made Thai food for dinner while watching the Dark Knight.

I've been running around cleaning up from last night and doing laundry and ran out for ever important contact lens solution and kitty litter. Watching Wall-E whle I make lunch and generally relaxing. It was a busy but very fun weekend - almost forgot Lee is going to days and she'll have the same weekends off! :D

I don't really update too often anymore - even my hubby deleted his LJ and went to the dark side (facebook) :P

Does anyone who still reads this have a Facebook? If so I'd like to add you since I'm sort of checking that more regularly than my journal :)

Two weeks and I go bungee jumping!

Here's to making new friends and keeping in touch with old friends and just having a damn good weekend! ^.^

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Random surprises

My husband surprised me completely yesterday when Bob showed up at our house.
(He likes surprises - I can kind of see his point now).
We were having people over on the 3rd since we had the day off and people were coming over to work on cars so we figured it would be nice, and generally plans are made for today not the day before. :)
It's been years since I saw him last so it really was just lovely.
Unfortunately I started celebrating early so am slightly hungover. (Pls excuse the choppiness of this post.)
I hope everyone is having a great 4th!

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Auntie!

I am an Aunt again!
Olivia was born yesterday, April 29, 2009 at 1430!
:) Mom and baby are doing great!

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Osteosarcoma

Mara's biopsy results are back, and yes it's Osteosarcoma. They can't give us an estimated life expectancy because it will metastasize, and we'll be treating her pain.

She's the perfect Akita. Aloof but affectionate with family, protective but not aggressive to people or other animals. She raised the puppies we gave her well even though we took away her goodies.

There will be no chemo.

She just turned 8 on Feb. 2. We got her April 5 2001.

Sad

So Mara's been favoring her left front leg for a few weeks now.
We went to the vet last night and they took xrays.
She has a growth on her humerus.
Most likely it's cancer, and malignant. But we won't know for sure until there's a biopsy done.
Mara just turned 8 in February. She's still so young.
Anyway we don't know when the biopsy will be because our vet doesn't know if they can do it or if they have to send us to a specialist.

16hours

Isn't that bad of a shift. And now that I'm awake I have the whole evening to play Little Big Planet. :)

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